The Loss of Everett Austin Rutledge- Part 1
I found out I was pregnant the earliest I have ever known. We were not trying and we thought we were done but God had bigger plans than ourselves. I had a strong feeling that month that I was pregnant, because I knew my body with pregnancies at that point. I became nauseous extremely early on around week 4.5 (he was the easiest on me with the morning sickness) and I felt him move at 7 weeks. It seems crazy but I do know for a fact I felt flutters, and anytime I leaned forward and sort of "squished" my belly, he would move. He was always a mover and I loved it. He reminded me of Easton when in the womb who was a mover as well. When Easton became bigger he would actually hurt me when he rolled with his arms. Everett was always awake the most at night when I would lay down, especially if I laid the wrong way. He was my night owl buddy. He responded to noises and voices and a few times Lincoln bumped a chair, it would make him jump in my belly. The same happened whenever I would take a bath and the drain would clink shut, he would jump. It always made me giggle.
He was transverse for the longest time which I'm sure made him more uncomfortable (and me as well). He never had the chance to move head down but they didn't seem concerned at my visits because they said he still had "time" to move down. One ultrasound of his anatomy scan took 45 mins, the tech herself kept commenting on how much he was moving, so much so, she couldn't get the measurements she needed and we couldn't finish until she got them. She was amazed at how active he was and he sure made things difficult every time we had ultrasounds. We discovered he didn't like the pressure on my belly because he always got to moving whenever people messed with my belly. Around 20 weeks we went as a family to an elective ultrasound place to get better looks at him and so the kids could see him too, and he put on a show the whole time. And fortunately, we have many pictures and even the DVD video of him from that day. Little did I know then just how much I would appreciate having those someday to look back on, whenever we are ready to.
A few days before I was admitted to the ER I had my 34 week appt. I remember bringing up to the nurse how I felt he wasn't moving as much and I told her I knew that was normal the bigger they got because they run out of room and he supposedly was measuring on the bigger side. She agreed and assured me that it was common. She searched for his heart beat and when she found it, we listened for a bit and he even kicked at the doppler. My gut instinct just felt like something could be off and wanted to have an ultrasound done, but whenever we heard his heart beat, it made me a little more at ease. I decided to ride it out over the weekend seeing I had an ultrasound appointment for Tuesday to check in on my diabetes and measure his growth. Little did I know then at that routine check up that that would be the last time I would hear that sweet little heart beat.
February 7th was a Sunday morning. I was especially excited because my diapers and wipes shower was coming to a close at church that morning and I couldn't wait to go through what everyone had blessed us with. It was an abundance and I was so excited to be good on diapers and wipes for a very long time because as we all know how expensive those things get. The church here in Dripping Springs treated us well during my pregnancy with Lincoln and they did the same with Everett too, and we couldn't be more grateful. That morning as I sat down and did my makeup, I noticed he wasn't moving like he normally did whenever I got ready. Because usually when I would wake up and start moving around every morning, especially when I would sit on the ground in front of my mirror, he would feel the shift and pressure and wake up.
I remember thinking it was odd but thought he must be sleeping still. I thought to myself, surely he has had little movements and I've just been busy getting ready and didn't feel them. Usually in bible class he would move around because of me sitting on the pew, we would both get uncomfortable therefore forcing me to move and I had noticed he still hadn't moved much (or that I could remember). I even poked at my belly a few times to "wake" him and thought I had felt a little something back, but still nothing near as active as he always was. I told myself not to get into my head, that he's probably big and squished, and I'm sure I would feel a jab soon.
Jacob preaches on Sunday's and because I know how worrisome he can get about things with the kids, I decided I wouldn't mention anything unless I felt like it was an emergency, or at least wait until that evening after church was over with. I didn't want his mind distracted from being able to preach what he had studied for the congregation. We ate lunch at home that day and I remember thinking it still felt a little odd how he hadn't been moving much that day. After lunch I laid down to take a nap and I knew that laying on my side always got him going, except this time it didn't. We carried on the rest of the day and I was debating on mentioning anything or waiting until Tuesday for my ultrasound to mention it. But then my mind got the best of me and I decided I would try and put it at ease and use our at home doppler to listen to his heart beat myself, which I had already done multiple times.
Jacob didn't know I was doing this as he was watching the Super Bowl, but I went into the bathroom and laid down in the closet and started to search for his heartbeat. I started to get worried when I couldn't find it. I could hear the swooshing of the placement so that helped a little but I thought maybe the placenta was in the way or he was in an odd position to where I couldn't reach it. As I tried to not panic, I felt tears start to stream down my face because my mama gut just felt like something was wrong. I took a bath to calm down and to decide if I should bring it up to Jacob or not. I remember pushing on my belly, doing kick counts, and I felt tiny movements which made me feel a little better. Afterwards I decided it would be best to let Jacob know about what I had been concerned about and get his opinion on what he thinks I should do. We decided to call the on call Dr as this was around 10pm that night. When we explained to her the situation, she suggested that I drink something cold and lay on my side and count the kicks for about an hour. We told her I had already did that and I still didn't feel much and that this baby was always a mover.
The Dr then seemed convinced we needed to come in so they could monitor him. We called a close church friend to come sit with the kids as they slept. And we grabbed a packed bag just in case and we headed to the hospital to be checked in at the ER on the maternity level. It felt like deja-vu walking in there because around 33 weeks when I was pregnant with Lincoln, I went there to get some IV fluids because I had been sick with a stomach virus and couldn't keep anything down. After we filled out routine paperwork, they took us back to the ER room where there were 4 or 5 curtains with beds and ultrasound machines behind them. It was busy that night because each one was occupied except one spot left for us. I remember we could hear the other babies heart beats coming through the machines and I was praying ours would be next. Everyone was super friendly and made me feel comfortable even though I was starting to get a little anxious at that point. They told me to get in a garment and planned to hook me up to see what was going on. Jacob was nervous too, as I could see the look on his face as he sat there quietly.
The first nurse started to use the doppler to find his heat beat and she was having trouble doing so and she kept saying, "he must be deep in there." Then she said she would go and get the head nurse because she was the one they called "mama nurse" around there and she was the best at finding heart beats. This nurse was named Toby and she had a great bedside manner. She came in super friendly and said she was gonna find little man's heart beat for us. She was moving the doppler all around, she even had me lay on my side once, she had pushed down on my belly and we felt a "kick back" and she said "oh did you feel that"? I think she was getting a little concerned at this point but was trying to play it off for our sake. I knew how quickly they usually find heart beats so I didn't have a good feeling, but I kept thinking they *have* to find it... they always do.
When I really started to get concerned is whenever I heard Toby tell they other nurse to page the ER Dr because she wanted her to do an ultrasound so they could see better. Having heard that, my stomach dropped and my heart was beating through the roof. They even noticed it on the monitor and asked if I was nervous and I said, yes. She came pretty quickly and sat bedside and had the monitor screen turned towards her so she could see. I kept studying their faces trying to notice any sign of hope. But the way Toby was staring at the Dr after staring at the screen its like they both knew, and I knew something wasn't right, and you could tell they were dreading having to say what needed to be said. She searched around on my belly for about a minute and then she put her hand on my leg and said words I will never forget, words that turned my world upside down and changed my life forever, "I'm so sorry Mama, the heart is still."
Before I had time to even let it sink in, even though I knew what that meant, Jacob immediately broke down. He jumped up and came to hug me where I then lost it and started sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. The nurse and the Dr kept apologizing at first and letting us have our moment to let it process. I remember asking Jacob with tears, "what did I do wrong?" immediately feeling blame that I couldn't protect him in the womb, the place where he was supposed to be the safest. We were confused as to what had happened when he was just fine a few days ago. My mind was racing and the next thing that quickly popped into my head was "I'm going to have to deliver him now..." and I was worried it was going to have to be a c section because he had been transverse, which made the anxiety even worse. After we calmed down some, but mostly because we were in complete shock, they asked if they could wheel me over to a private room where they would give us more time alone. It was then I realized all the other mama's behind the curtains could hear our sobbing, and I had hoped it didn't cause more fear for the safest of their babies.
Once in the room they gave me a cold rag because my face was beat red, I was burning up, my whole body was shaking hard, and I was in shock. I looked over at the incubator where they take the baby after they are born and said to Jacob, "this feels like a nightmare I want to wake up from..." and he agreed. We were in such shock. What was to come next? How would we deliver? How long will this take? Who were we to contact first? They wanted to give us some time to calm down so they could proceed with what needed to happen next, and they knew it was a lot to process all at once. The on call delivery Dr came in (the one we spoke to on the phone) and said she wanted to do one more ultrasound to see his position to see if we would be able to induce and avoid a c-section. She discovered he was oblique and was confident that he would turn head down with contractions and pushing. That was a huge sigh of relief as I knew what to expect with labor and delivery from induction and I didn't have to put my body through a surgery I wasn't prepared for. We asked if they knew what happened and they said they wouldn't really know until he was born, and even then, they might not be certain.
Next we tried to call Jacob's parents but neither of them were answering and we figured they were in bed. We tried his dad a few times and then I had the idea to try his grandma's phone (who lived next door) because she always seems to have her ringer up loud. Sure enough she did and we asked her if she could go and wake up Richard and tell him to call us back. After we told him, we asked him to tell Wendy for us and we told them not to rush up here but to try to sleep and wait until the next day to do so, seeing it would be awhile before they could see us. After telling our parents our hearts dreaded having to explain to the kids what happened. We were most worried about Natalie with how sensitive she is and because of how she could really grasp what was going on. My heart ached thinking about telling them and it ached just to see them and hug them to have some comfort. I found myself really wanting to see and hold Lincoln, and I think because subconsciously he was my "baby" and I wanted that comfort of holding him, so much.
It came time for the induction and they said they could give me some sleeping meds to help me get some rest if I wanted while my cervix ripened. I took them up on the offer because I knew I wouldn't get much sleep otherwise and I knew I would need energy for labor. I expected to be knocked out but it took almost 4 hours until I was able to fall asleep. I slept for about 4 hours and then I remember being woken up by Toby who was introducing me to my day nurse which meant it was around 7am already and time for my next dose of cytotec. I was so tired and out of it, I remember it being blurry and hard for me to focus on them. That is when we met Jasmine, the sweetest nurse ever. I honestly can't remember much after that, I think she gave me the second dose, and then I was able to go back to sleep for a little longer.
When we both were awake for the morning a couple hours later, we had asked our nurse if there was any way they would let us see our kids so they could hear the news from us. Because of covid restrictions they were pretty hesitant on allowing more than one visitor, but Jasmine said she would go talk to Toby (the head nurse) and that they would figure something out for us. My doctor, Dr Landwermeyer stopped by and said her condolences and told me she would be here later for the delivery. Tammy Hyde was such a huge help for us during this time. She was the one who helped watch the kids for us until my mom got there late that night, and then she brought my mom and the kids up to the hospital for us. And the staff was awesome enough to let all of them in the room with us.
Seeing the kids made my stomach drop again, we could tell Natalie knew something was going on and my mom had done her best to hold it together all morning and not tell them anything. Jacob sat the older two down and I held Lincoln in my lap and he told them what had happened and Natalie burst into tears. Easton was sad but also confused and sat there in some shock. Lincoln of course didn't know what was going on, but I was glad to be able to hold him close. Natalie had lots of questions and we answered them the best we could. She told my mom later one of the reasons she was crying is because she felt sorry for us; she hated to see us sad and she wanted to see us happy again. She reassured her we would be happier again someday.
Regarding labor they knew I wanted an epidural and told me to let them know whenever I was ready so I didn't have to be in pain longer than I had to. I decided to take IV pain meds first to wait out another hour to help my body dilate some more. Jacob remembers me being pretty out of it and even though I was out of it, I remembered what was playing on TV and I remember my surroundings a little bit. I was hot and breathing quickly but felt relaxed enough to rest which is what I needed. I was around 5cm when I got the epidural (with my other kiddos I always made it to 5cm) and I was thankful to have a little relief to rest while we waited. This time the waiting was different. There wasn't excitement as I progressed and time drew closer, but instead there was absolute dread. Which is something I have never experienced before during labor and delivery.
Labor and delivery is supposed to be a beautiful thing. The euphoria you have as you welcome your new baby into the world, watching them breathe their first breath as they lay them on your chest and wipe them down. As you examine their little face to see what they look like and watch them listen to you talking to them as they stop crying. I had been blessed with 3 beautiful deliveries and healthy babies before, and this seemed to almost taint those experiences for me in a way. It was like the whole experience was reversed and it didn't seem right. But I knew we needed to do what was best for my body at this point and I told myself I wasn't going to get emotional and cry again until after delivery. Because crying heavily has always exhausted me and I knew I needed all the energy I could have to get through the whole process. And I kept telling myself I needed to be strong for Everett and deliver him first before I completely broke down again.
Around 7cm I started feeling some contractions even with the epidural. They said it was normal, that the epidural would just take the edge off and that if it became too uncomfortable, to click the button on the IV for another dose. I remember being the most uncomfortable I have ever been before having a baby, and yet I still had a couple hours to go. Then at one point I felt like I was going to be sick, and the nurse and my doctor came rushing in. Usually each time I felt like I was going to throw up in the past with my babies I was close to being 10cm to start pushing, but she checked me afterwards and I still wasn't quite there. To be fair I was only 35 weeks and my body was progressing pretty well for not having been ready at all beforehand, even though it was slow.
The afternoon seemed to drag on but at the same time I was dreading reality that was to follow once he was here. I know we kept praying that the labor would be quick for my sake, and that we would be strong enough to handle seeing him for the first time. I didn't know how I would feel once he was here, but I knew I wanted to see him and hold him close and say goodbye. I couldn't have gotten through a single moment without Jacob literally being by my side. He left the room one time to go meet his parents in the parking lot and I remember feeling bad anxiety when being alone while he was gone. He was my rock and always has been since we were dating. I've come to rely on him to be there with me during any challenges in my life from minor to major, and that has helped relieve my anxiety in many ways. And I knew as long as he was next to me through every step of the way, that I would be able to make it through this, ultimately because we knew the Lord was watching over both of us.
(Part 2 to come)
Wow Jessica thank you for sharing. This all breaks my heart and brings me to tears. You are so strong.
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